Its another start, Graduation Ceremony is in May. Now, its halfway through april already. Damn, Time passes real fast. Registered for University, SIM. But right now, i have a plan, a decision, to be a paramedic. The only thing that is stopping me, is probably my dad. He's being hoping for me to go into University, real badly. And i really don't wish to disappoint him. I wish to make him proud.

Its April, halfway, and June is Camp. Planning is still halfway. Slow, but i'm glad i have them with me, i have Chen Wei with me to help in the planning of camp. Thankful for them to be able to be with me when i needed them the most. No matter what other people say, its what your belief, that matters. People can try to bring you down, but tell yourself, it'll makes you stronger.

Without this partner of mine, in fact without this chance to plan,  i probably wouldn't get to know this girl, and get closer to my friends, the juniors back when i was still a NCO. In exchange of all these, there's definitely the tough part, but think of the happy ones. I really sucks at planning, i swear. Really trying hard to.

May everything go well.




Internship is ending soon, in exactly 28 Days. Counting down to the official day. But before that, i've got tons of work to do, it seems like its never ending, only pilling and pilling. Problems just keeps coming in one after another.

And sometimes i just wish to see him, even for just a while because it just makes me feel better just seeing him. But well, i need to overcome my own fear, my own 'Confidence' problem. Well, been given the role as a platoon commander for Junior NCO course, leading not just your own corp but other corps as well, simply is a big role for me. But of course, its really a role i've never tried out before, never. And, really, i HATE and really can't do plannings. I swear i've developed a phobia for planning. What if my camp fails, not only will it be ineffective, its a total waste of time, how will people look at me in the future.

But i'm really thankful to have my seniors to really help me, i can see that they're really willing to help me, but now, basically i've got to pick myself up first, recollect myself because i've got people under me, i need to guide them and if i'm lost, what will happen to them, even my DY Platoon commander is very new to her role. So, even if i'm not a good planner, i've still got to do what i need to. That's what i thought, but i'm afraid she'll stressed out because i've never worked with her before, and she's very new to this.

Sigh. And, i've haven't settled my own corps problem, i barely have the time to go back down to my corps. Haven't seen my kids for a long while, i'm feeling real apologetic towards my fellow officers who really done a lot for the corps. There's bound to be unhappiness but i can only do what i can. Internship isn't something i can control.

I just have to make sure i don't burn out. Its been long since i last met my friends. I need a hug, badly.






As intern is ending, I'm feeling useless each day. Things haven't been going smoothly, and the feeling of being unwanted.. Makes me think, why am I doing all these.. No one appreciates your effort, no one cares. I just feel, I'm left on a battlefield alone. Why chase me away, when all I meant was good, if I leave, maybe things will be better


I've failed, as a girlfriend.  Terribly.


I'm drained. Drained from work everyday, drained.. from worrying too much. Friends, family who thinks i'm neglecting them. The ones i thought, will be the ones who could understand how tired i am after work. because of all these, my temper have been getting bad, i get pissed off easily, i just feel like shutting myself up. i can't pleased everyone. I'm trying my best to. How do you feel, when you're being forced to do something you don't want to, sometimes you're really tired but you still go out with your friends when they ask you to. Why? because you want them to be happy.

Its not that i don't want to go, i just don't have so much time to think of so much, except to focus on work. Why, put me at such a difficult spot? I wish i can spend time equally with all, but its difficult to. I talk, but no actions were being put in. because i thought, i could spend my time more once my intern ends, but things don't seem to be that way.

Its becoming more to fearing rather than wanting. I'm tired. Don't force me anymore.

Everyday, is getting harder to bear. Loneliness kills.


The day I stop talking will be the day I stop caring